A lot of people that travel suffer with depression, I've spent a lot of time over the past few weeks sharing drinks and talking with people from all over the world. After awhile the conversation often turns from the what and where to the why?
I was sat in my regular cafe this morning and I overheard an old Canadian lady say that “for a lot of westerners who spend time in the developing world they develop a certain freedom, when they return home this is taken away and it can hurt badly.” I looked up and smiled at her and for an instant she made eye contact and smiled back, she knew I understood. For her the loss of freedom, for me the expectations of modern life for others the loss of somebody close whatever the reason when you talk, you realise that a lot of people have their own battle. Not too dissimilar from your own.
Maybe it's not that all travellers have depression but rather a lot of depressed people find their own freedom in travelling. For me it's independence, having full control over my actions and often rather more immediately the consequences. but this is a good thing, dealing with real life problems that need a real life solution such as locating your kayak when it doesn't arrive on your train… far better than theoretical problems that just get tangled up in our brain because there is a million and one answers to the question “what if?”
I'm definitely not saying that exploring new places or taking yourself away from the stresses of everyday life is the cure for depression. Definitely not, I made that mistake myself, I thought the instant my plane landed I would be fixed. But things don't work like that. There are still days where I feel like shit and ask “what's the point?” but there are also some truly amazing days that remind you why you are here.
Sometimes I ask myself is it wrong to feel this way, is it selfish to just do what you want? At times probably yes. Depression itself is a selfish being that only cares what it wants but that shouldn't be confused with important self care.
For me I am incredibly privileged to have the life I have. the freedom to move and a family that supports me. But for a long time I haven't felt happy, leading me to think I'm being ungrateful and creating a negative spiral. “If I can't be happy living a life that some would dream for, then will I ever be happy?” And with that comes guilt also. You are not weak for being depressed, nor selfish or ungrateful or however your brain spins it.
I once met a tough looking 60 odd year old Scottish roofer and he told me. “some days you have good days, some days you have bad days. Over time you will have more good days. Count them against the bad but don't compare them. It will get better, it always gets better.”
And for those of you reading this have never suffered from depression in your life, let me put it in perspective. If Satan showed up at my door and forced me to make a choice either break my leg again and go through the whole slow painful recovery again or spent 24 hours feeling how I did at my worst. I'd break my leg in a heart beat.
A few things that have helped me or friends have told me:
Keep a journal it helps to keep track of the good days and the bad. and for me putting my thought in writing helps me tackle things with logic rather than the emotional smelting pot inside my head.
Headspace. That shits great, free too.
Talk to people, anybody, family, friends, strangers, me, even your dog.
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